Brian Cimmet (Brian) When asked to sum up his life in one word, Brian Cimmet said "tall." He has been tall in 44 states of the union (Alaska, Wyoming, Utah, Nebraska, Oklahoma and Alabama have yet to experience Brian's height), but that only begins to scratch the surface of his eventful life. Brian is also a pianist, composer, actor, singer, college graduate, student, HTML coder, web 'zine columnist, crack addict (not really), lesbian (really), tax advisor, secretary, receptionist, pet-lover, tourist-hater, proscenium-chewer, cattle-brander, and all-around go-getter. This is Brian's sixth time on Earth in human form. He's glad to be back.

Joe Cimmet (Dad) Joe Cimmet (Joseph to some) serves in the delightful role of father to our star. There was a time (1989) when he was taller than his son, but those days of innocence are no more. Today, he stands a mere 6'1", and looks up to all his children (except for two of them). A former NBA superstar, Joe decided that his 80% free throw accuracy wasn't going to rake in the dollars needed to raise and exile three children, so he went into graphic arts. Nowadays, he spends most of his time napping, but also finds a spare moment to walk the dog, cook the dinner, mow the lawn, and compact the trash.

Eve Cimmet (Mom) One of our program's favorite characters, Eve Cimmet is always thrilled to be a part of her son's life. Since the day he was born, she has been there for him in every way. She currently resides in Maine with fellow cast-member Joe Cimmet, and their adorable dog, Topaz (due to agent conflicts, a photo of Topaz is unavailable). She does some kind of work which pays her good money, and she seems to be in charge, which makes her happy. Otherwise, she throws parties, watches pageants and eats Jell-O. Also, her picture seems to be bluer than the rest.

Stephanie Cimmet (Steph) Due to negotiation problems with her lawyers, Stephanie Cimmet's role has been seriously reduced in the past few years. Writers tried to cover this obvious problem by having her character first move to a place called "New Mexico", and later relocate to the "Pacific Northwest," after trading jewelry with someone from Alaska. A few times per year, Stephanie is permitted to return and play the middle child of the family, the older of Brian's two sisters; these moments are generally reserved for major holidays or events. She has three cats, one of which is huge, one of which is named Salad, and the other of which is a complete freakazoid.

Alison Cimmet (Alison/Agent Little Zuty) Originally a threat to take over the show herself, Alison Cimmet has settled into her supporting roles as Brian's youngest sister and Agent Little Zuty. Audiences will be rewarded in days to come as Agent Little Zuty becomes more and more involved in the day-to-day activities of the world. She has recently relocated to Queens, New York, with her special friend, "David." She continues her study of acting, and has embarked on more than one audition. Now a full-time resident of the New York sets, Alison is responsible for the cameo appearances of over 100 other actors to the program.

Adam Hirsch (Z-Tup) He is Amphenol personified. He is Adam Hirsch. Transcending all time and space, Adam has played a significant role on the show now for close to eight years, and, despite his residency on the now-defunct Boston set, he still makes frequent appearances in New York, Maine, Connecticut and otherwise. Responsible for hundreds of "-er?" jokes, Adam sings, talks, and possesses at least 1.6 small cats. Adam has made countless attempts (however futile) to move into the "Featured Players" part of the cast by marrying a Cimmet. So far, only Topaz has consented to such. Perbe this will change nona.

Emy Johnson (Bing) & Max Zener (Crack) Please welcome Emy Johnson and Max Zener back to the show. They are both alumni of Wesleyan University and The New Group. Take note of the fact that they are more up to date than The New Group home page. Throughout the 1999 season, they have been seen much more frequently in their new "apartment" in Brooklyn. Emy is the most mysterious potato anyone has ever known, and Max... Well*, let's just say that they won't let him grow that beard anymore. Fans might remember a special two-hour episode last season during which Max and Emy traded jewelry, spoke in foreign tongues, and professed their neverending fear of dolphins to one another. Several mysterious women sang at the ceremony, including Emy's never-before-seen sister, and a big Jew from the far east. *Heh heh. I bet no one noticed that I just said, "Maxwell."

Ed Reichert (Chet) Since 1990, Ed Reichert has been conducting orchestras and trains. His recent endeavors include stealing two scores, drinking some vodka, talking about judges, reminiscing about drag queens, and wishing he could be five nuns at once. Divas sing, and rabbits celebrate the first day of every trimester. When he doesn't have a whip, he loves to feather his ruffles.

Kristen Anderson (Jane) She checks in more than a hotel. Kristen Anderson is always working, calling people, writing lyrics, taking the N train, eating suchi (sic), and all at the same time. Give this girl a vacation.

Howard Levitsky (Howard) Howard Levitsky, he plays in the pitsky. He also composes the songsky that makes the world singsky. I have no idea why his picture is in color when no one else's is. Also, why is his picture of Saturn instead of his face? These questions and more, on the next episode of Urvivor-Say, the all Pig-Latin game of living out of a sandbox.

Gregg Carville (Carvilli) Formerly number 43, Gregg Carville changed the pronunciation of his name once obtaining the golden mittens of Tibet. He once had the hair of choice, although now we tend to doubt it.

Todd Yard (Daddy Rot) Todd Yard may still be living on couches as far as we can tell. Although he shared space with Oliver for several months, very little of Mr. Yard has actually been learned in that span of time. He deserves lots of money. From someone. We won't say who.

Robert Emmet Finn (Rob) Robert Emmet Finn is one of those few people who come into the show as an extra one day, and end up getting a featured part. His first appearance was as a failed auditioner for The New Group (the producers made up for this flaw by putting him in the group a year too late), but then he became a favorite by joining the original cast of e-love just before the end of the Wesleyan Years. Now a regular contributor to the show, Rob made further impact with his involvement in the Black Sox series in 1998 and 1999.

Aimee Barile (Bugsy) Currently, our web designer can't remember off the top of his head how to do the e with the accent over it, so for the time being, Aimee Barile will have to live without it. She spends most of her time in her own world (known to some as San Francisco), but makes occasional appearances on the show. Along with Rob Finn, she was featured in 1995's e-love series. Otherwise, she is just one of those cute little sopranos who everyone (well, one person) likes to call "Bugsy."

Jeff Yaus (Fish) Known occasionally as "Jif Yaks" to his intimate friends, Jeff Yaus has been a solid part of the cast for a long time. He's the star of his own series, "Not A Desert Mouse", which does some cast-swapping with this program. The creator of the brilliant Web Magazine Grumble, Jeff always stays crispy in milk. This particular headshot of Jeff is probably not the most accurate depiction of his visage. Equipped with toothbrush and much sleepiness, Jeff was met by some unfortunate photographer in the bathroom of his own house. Yes, it happens to the best of them. Why it happened to Jeff, though -- well, your guess is as good as mine.

Don Rey (Equity Boy) Even though he gets all the good housing, can grow a better beard, and sings higher than Julie Andrews could ever dream of, Don Rey is still on this side of normal with most of the rest of us. He eats a favorable amount of sushi, spends enough time working to pay the bills, and otherwise talks about where he left his flute during band camp. He is number two in the world Uno rankings.

Joyce A. Presutti (Joycie-Annie) Her life is more or less covered in "An Honorarium To Joyce A. Presutti," but that hasn't stopped her from going straight to the principal's office, or convincing every which person that they said yes. Ed Romanoff (The Other Ed) We knew him back in the 1982 season, but we completely forgot. Now that he's come back out of retirement again, Ed Romanoff is ready for anything. Let him sing. Let him play. Let him alone. Joyce and Ed are being stalked. That is why their pictures are missing. Don't tell anyone.

Jill K. Harper (Killer) Due to certain non-Equity contract negotiations, and problems with phone lines, Jill K. Harper's pictures was not approved by the FAA. In fact, I've already said too much, and there are men with guns coming to find me, so I mustache.

Lindsay Whitfield (Leslie Whitefield/Scrabble Whore) For weeks, no one knew her name. And because of that damned Tupelo accent, we never knew what the hell she was saying anyhow. It eventually turned into an endless stream of "whoa," "let me tell you," "oh, no sir," and "please pass the carrots," but we still managed to find a high source of entertainment and calcium in the daily adventures of Lindsay Whitefield Whitfield.

Laura Beth Brown (Philly Roll) On the first day of Christmas, Laura Beth Brown was forced to sing a high C-sharp. Since those days, she has been a cowboy, a mermaid, a goddamn noisy whore, someone in a chartreuse sweater, and a girl ten years her junior. When not stuffing her face with cream cheese and uncooked fish, she might be found applying various powders and gels to her face. She spends her days roaming New York City, wondering which way is south, and spends her nights dreaming of beef.

Will Bozarth (Fat Boy) Kick ball-change. Malfunction. Malfunction. Malfunction. Who is the fattest of them all? Will Bozarth. He can't smile and he can't lose weight. Will this man ever make it through life, carrying sixteen tons of fat with him wherever he goes? His recent career included work as a concussion-ridden Judah, "is that all you ever think about, SONNY?", as well as leading roles in Finance Man: Pay The Bill, Finance Man: Linda's Sweater and The Planet of the Finance Men. Since his star turn in Finance Man Goes To The Bar, he has gone on to be fat.

Denise Summerford (Betty) She might as well be Henry or Marty herself, when you think of the number of times Denise Summerford was seen stalking Stockard Channing this past summer. Even though her role in Maine was brief, there were such stories about her briefs that she was remembered most fondly. She watched fireworks, talked dish only when severely provoked (or intoxicated), and turned out to be one of the most consistent performers, losing exactly nine beads off her damn prom dress every night.

Sarah Bannister (Barbie) Sarah Bannister's middle name is 75% vowels, and that's damn cool.

Kelly K. Butler (God) Kelly K. Butler is, as always, one of the very few initials allowed. Her "K." has lived on, and will continue to do so for years to come. Although she went union, and became one of the few Wesleyan theater graduates who actually work in their field, she has since given up all hope, and moved to Boston. Forevermore the Captain of the Dyke Police, she is always trying to convert, er, recruit new members. She is often seen in the company of former DP prospect Kristin Burgess (whose web page is so out-of-date that a link would be pointless) and future DP co-Captain, Zoe Stark (who has never been on this program as far as we know).

Matt Edes-Pierotti (MNEP) Matt Edes-Pierotti currently holds the fine distinction of having the longest last name of anyone on the show. Known more casually as "MNEP", Matt spends most of his time doing some kind of "work." Otherwise, he starts for his own Sony PlayStation basketball team, and is a Hall-of-Fame member of the Cim-League, during which he played for Key West, Paris and Portland. He lives way the hell far away, so his visits are few and far-between. No one's quite sure how Matt got onto the show in the first place, but now that he's there, he'll stay.

Paul Woodson (Paul) Paul Woodson's greatest claim to fame is his insatiable desire to sing without accompaniment. We don't know too much about his life, but rumor has it that he's played a few roles from time to time, including one in Black Sox not too long ago. Originally from California, or Boston, or upper Manhattan -- oh, who knows? It's all about beer, never about vodka, and keep him away from Bergen Street.

Scott Gagnon (Barrel Roll) Typical of Scott Gagnon's behavior, he was unavailable for a photograph during the creation of this page. He was a major player during the LaMancha series in 1996, and has since expressed interest in returning to a more principle role on the show. His current efforts involve directing everything he can in Boston, fighting with Box-Office Bob, and getting kicked out of the game. He wears all the hats, plays all the positions, eats all the pizza, and still uses some cranky old word processor. Go figure.

Greg Moccia (Bold Move Moccia) Greg Moccia makes big pictures. Other people think that he really believes he is Dracula or something, but he knows better. He's really just an amorphous blob of jelly which bears some vague resemblance to Ol' Blue Eyes. Nelson Foltz (Spanky) Trombones, beware. No, this man is not Junior (the character he replaced early last year), he is Nelson Foltz, proud portrayer of Spanky on our program. A former Jewel fan, he still has room for Renee. Hey.

Catherine Morin (Cathy) Catherine Morin first had red hair way way back, many centuries ago. More recently, she had a kick-ass birthday party, and she sings like none other. Everyone needs a little Cathy in their life. (I didn't mean it that way.) Shannon Kochenour (Shan Sprite-a-minute) Her height seasonally challenges that of our leading character, but Shannon Kochenour still has some way to go. When not working in Utica, she's on tour, or at home, or spanking everyone in Leb.

Alethea Cariddi (Aleth) Alethea Cariddi brings some much-needed blonde hair to the show. A former member of the band Alfred Station, she now works with water. Or dogs. Or aquatic toxicology. Something like that. In Maine. She usually makes the power go out. But there's really nothing to be done about that.

Ashley Knaysi (Crazy Knaysi) Funny as hell, Ashley Knaysi is a force with which to be reckoned. She was also featured in 1995's e-love series, and may return to such form this fall. Tom Hoetzl (Tom) Tom Hoetzl has been missing in action for some time now, but sources say that his return to the show is imminent. Is that spelled right? Does anyone care? Has anyone bothered to read this far?

Jonica Patella (Seamus) Sacha Shapiro (Seisaku) Heavens, was everyone involved in e-love? Jonica Patella has worked regularly as the littlest lesbian, but more recently, things have straightened out. Now residing in Wisconsin, Sacha Shapiro is studying some kind of medicine. We think she might be the next Dr. Quinn.

Yung Mei Choi (Yummy/Sam/Fred) Yung Mei Choi has the coolest picture. Jeremy N. Bernstein (Jer) Jeremy N. Bernstein splits his time between his occasional sporadic appearances with this program and his long-running character of Norm on "Not A Desert Mouse." His hair is unstoppable.

Joshua Bluestein (Josh) & Jessica Tobiason (Jessica Classic) Joshua Bluestein and Jessica Tobiason have driven as far as Portsmouth to be on the show. Kudos to them. This is their dog, Beckett. Jessica Hekman (Jess II) Jessica Hekman is best known for her multi-colored hair. Perhaps she is the next Ginger McManus?

R.L. Rowsey (Maestro) Lori Byars (Miss Tuba) Infamous for their days during the 10-month Kiss of the Spider Woman series, these two shady characters have emerged primarily through flashback, rumor and the occasional email. Don't ask where R.L. Rowsey is these days. Some folks don't have anything planned. And last we heard, Lori Byars had abandoned all hopes of romance, gave up touring nationally as with Rugrats, and is playing the tuba on 23rd Street.

Karen Jendras (Issues Girl), Jason Zamreta (No More S) Karen Jendras and Jason Zamreta played principal roles in the Blood Brothers fiasco of early '98. They've both experienced the D-train, although that resulted in the exportation of Ms. Jendras to Seattle. All hail Pinky.